warning, folks: this lady swears. a lot. but there's a prize for you at the end.
....................................................
oona stands in a long line at the local post office. everyone is quiet, resigned to waiting patiently. a woman behind oona (let's call her SAKS) fumes in a chanel suit, heels, pearls and salon coif. suddenly, she begins to yell loudly into her cellular phone.
saks: HALLO?? helllAAAOOOOH? ugh. GAWD IT'S JUST TAKING FOREHVUH HERE. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THOSE IDIOTS ARE DOING UP THERE. OH HONEY, YOU KNOW I LUNCHED AT B'DALE'S TODAY AND I PICKED UP A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOU-- NO, NOOO, YOU'LL JUST HAVETA WAIT AND SEE. I'LL BE DEAD IN A YEAR SO I'M SPENDING IT. FUCK THE ECONOMY, I'M SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT, IT'S MINE AND I'M GONNA SPEND IT. I TOLD HAROLD THE SAME THING AND HE AGREES. WHADDAYA THINK I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO SOME FUCKING CHARITY?!
a timid woman in front of oona turns and gives saks a glance.
saks: (throwing a venomous glance in timid's direction) IN A MINUTE I'M GONNA TELL SOME ASSHOLE TO FUCK OFF, I SWEAR.
timid goes back to staring straight ahead where it's safe.
saks: I DON'T KNOW WHY THE FUCK I CAME TO THE RADIO CITY P.O. YOU THINK I'D SEE SOMEONE FAMOUS HERE SOME ACTRESS OR SOMETHING BUT IT'S AN AWFUL LITTLE SHITHOLE HERE. OH THE DOCTOR SAYS I'M FINE BUT I THINK HE'S FULL OF SHIT. I'M SURE I HAVE A TUMOR OR SOMETHING AND THAT'LL BE THE END OF ME IN A YEAR I'M TELLING YOU
oona sighs, reminding herself to be kind. attempting to ignore the barrage behind her, she opens the packet in her hand and studies the tax forms about to be mailed. saks peers over her shoulder.
saks: OH THAT'S WHY IT'S TAKING SO LONG HERE FOR CHRISSAKES IS IT A TAX DAY
oona: ...are you serious?
saks: WHAT.
oona: did you seriously just look over my shoulder and read my mail?
saks: I DID NO SUCH THING YOU GOT A PROBLEM?
oona: yes. yes i do. this entire room full of complete strangers is hearing all about your personal business. no one wants to hear about your personal business, and i certainly don't want you reading any of mine.
saks: WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF.
an even deeper hush falls over the already quiet room. the crowd waits for oona's reply.
oona: i hope everything you just said comes true.
oona turns her attention back towards the front of the line. timid looks at her wide eyed, then gives an approving (albeit timid) thumbs up. saks is silent for a moment.
saks: i'll have to call you back.
.......................................................
i left the post office thinking, oh my god, i really said that? i don't actually want this woman to have a tumor. seriously. COME ON! i was all jedi master calm about dealing with rudeness again and it just came out.
luckily, nette has a post this morning about paying it forward (you can read more about it here). i think i am in need of some of that karmic mojo to make up for line event number two. so, the first 5 peeps who comment on this post will receive a handmade goodie. BUT WAIT THERE'S A CATCH! in order to receive a prize, YOU must first write a blog post promising a little goodie to the first five peeps who comment on YOUR post! fun, yes? i'm excited to go to the post office and mail something out without wishing a tumor on anyone. you too? let's get cracking!
PS: don't let the number of comments fool you, so far no takers on paying it forward. peeps must really be concerned about what line #3 will bring.
edit: pay it forwards payed! that part is closed now. the radio city PO is still open, however, and always good for a laugh.
.......................................................
i left the post office thinking, oh my god, i really said that? i don't actually want this woman to have a tumor. seriously. COME ON! i was all jedi master calm about dealing with rudeness again and it just came out.
luckily, nette has a post this morning about paying it forward (you can read more about it here). i think i am in need of some of that karmic mojo to make up for line event number two. so, the first 5 peeps who comment on this post will receive a handmade goodie. BUT WAIT THERE'S A CATCH! in order to receive a prize, YOU must first write a blog post promising a little goodie to the first five peeps who comment on YOUR post! fun, yes? i'm excited to go to the post office and mail something out without wishing a tumor on anyone. you too? let's get cracking!
PS: don't let the number of comments fool you, so far no takers on paying it forward. peeps must really be concerned about what line #3 will bring.
edit: pay it forwards payed! that part is closed now. the radio city PO is still open, however, and always good for a laugh.
I... I .... Wow. I think you are my god now. I heart your stories like this. Go you!
ReplyDeleteWowza... This reminds me of a conversation (woman yelling loudly into her cellphone) I heard on the train a while back; the woman seemed to be alternating between talking to two people, one of whom she was openly bawling out, the other of whom she was commiserating with about how shitty the first person, the city, the province, and her job were (there was a lot of repetition about how much better she deserved everything). It was kinda impressive, actually... Especially since I live in one of e larger cities in Canada. Not urban enough for this lady, though.
ReplyDeleteI have horrors of mailing stuff, so I will pass on the pay-it-forward, but I am truly impressed by your Jedi-like skills in handling that beotch.
Oona, I just have to say, evem without the added impetus of winning a hand made goodie prize, that saks sounds like THE PERFECT MATCH for un-gentleman of your previous entry:
ReplyDeletehttp://oonaballoona.blogspot.com/2011/03/long-and-winding-line.html
Really -- what is it about the common, mundane chore of waiting in line here in America that ignites and disperses the a$$hole-ness in certain a$$holes like a hydrogen gas explosion at a nuclear power plant disperses radiation?
And if the simple act of standing in line brings out the worst in these already decidedly ugly "ulgy-Americans", what the hell would a full-scale catastrophe (or three simultaneous catastrophes!) bring out in them? REALLY? CAN ANY OF THESE PEOPLE SEE BEYOND THEIR OWN NOSES?
Swear to GOD -- the Japanese people, who are experiencing near-immeasurable suffering with unbelievable grace and aplomb, are, as a nation, all SAINTS compared to the all too familiar whining, annoying, self-centered, ignorant, shallower-than-an-evaporated-spent-fuel-rod-containment-pool jerks you've described here.
Your reaction in this instance (as evidenced by timid's meek thumbs-up) and your reaction in the previous instance to un-gentlemanly, are, in my opinion, completely understandable and appropriate -- like a sudden, sharp slap in the face to bring these out of control misanthropes back to their senses.
Kudos to you. Please tell Ruggie I said you deserve another peachitini-like creation for your valiant efforts.
Meanwhile, I'm having another Jim Beam. :)
wow. i think you handled that pretty well. i even blushed just reading your reply. you didn't need any harsh words, just a simple answer. I admire that sort of fortitude....even if you regretted it later haha.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to sign up for the pay it forward on Nette's blog. but good luck with yours :)
~ meg: HA!
ReplyDelete~ tanit-isis: actually she does sound pretty impressive. to have the balls to chew someone out in front of them and in front of their back? i don't know that the jedi can handle that.
~ big daddy: containment pool jerks. NICE. now, if you had a blog for these theories, you could have a handmade goodie. but i guess jim beam is goodie enough.
lorena: thanks :) i've been calmly blurting things out lately... it's odd. have fun at nette's PIF, i'm excited to see what she does!
Not sure I'll be able to offer a handmade goody (but I'll see what I can do!), but wanted to say "Good job!" Its hard to know how to respond to one such as this woman; the real key is making sure we don't become one of "those people" (even though I am tempted and fail sometimes).
ReplyDeleteI only wish I could come back at some people. I always blank in the face of rudeness and then spend the next few days responding in my head. Sometimes people just need to be reminded that they can't just say whatever they want. And don't get me started on people who subject everyone around them to their cell phone conversations!
ReplyDeleteHilarious- your response was fabricated out of pure WIN. *sigh* I'm like Jaqueline above, never think of what to say in the moment, or if I do, I come across as a crazylady.
ReplyDeleteNow this pay it forward business is actually very appealing to me! Got lots of work to do this week but I really want to try it. You know how when you get the technique of a little handcraft down, so you want to keep pumping them out, and all your friends now have a little doodad, but you still want to keep pumping? I just did a printing workshop and am so keen to get printing... and I could do it as a pay- it forward! So. I won't put my hand up to accept a goody just NOW but when I put the pay it forward post on my blog.... I love this idea!
oh oona! you are such a fun narrator!!! i sit here reading your post while eating a cookie and just cannot stop giggling! :D i am so happy you joined pay it forward and am looking forward to make something for you!
ReplyDeleteI think I'll join. I'm very likely to send the things out in December or so, but I want to do this... and since you're already about to send me a package, I'll save you one package to send. :D
ReplyDelete~ rachael: exactly! unfortunately, i felt meaner than her afterwards...
ReplyDelete~ jacqueline: those responses in the days after are so very good, aren't they? i try not to save them up in the hopes that i'll never have to use them.
~emilykate: printing, eh? intriguing...
~nette: you made me giggle to picture you having a cookie while saks was going off!
~hana: perfect! you may just get a whole box of goodies if no one else takes the plunge :)
Hahahaha! Oh i'm so pleased you put that lady in her place (even if you didn't really mean what you said). I hate when people feel the need to have their private conversations out loud in public and be rude to people too.
ReplyDelete