Saturday, January 18, 2014

say say oh eeeeeeeenemy


holding a bra and t-shirt in my hands, i stood in front of the empty registers at the gap.  a cashier rang up a lone woman armed with eighty coupons and a small truckload of clothing.  another employee shambled aimlessly back and forth.  he finally shifted his baleful gaze at me and asked, voice dripping with irritation, do you have a question miss?

my eyes narrowed, trying to decipher what was not obvious about the situation.  no, no question, but i'd like to pay for these items.

he turned and walked away.  stopped in front of a register at the very end of the counter.  it seemed i was meant to follow him.  at this point i had seriously considered depositing the items on the nearest surface and leaving. the floor would do fine.  but january jaundice kept me there.  do you know about january jaundice?  i believe it's specific to cold climates.  that post warm december feeling: winter quickly gets old after songs like baby it's cold outside get packed away.  and the bleak, chilly future holds only hallmark made holidays and three more months of gray.  in mid january, every new yorker wants to kill...but they're too exhausted to do much about it.

so i followed him.  handed my sale items over.  he took them wordlessly.  i wondered aloud, with definite tonage: did i look particularly confused?

he considered his opponent.  no, it's me who's confused today.  we chuckled derisively.

translation: any specific reason you're a dick?  answer: yes, because you're a dick too.  WE ARE ALL DICKS IN JANUARY.

game on.  i'll need to see your card (i'm going to make you work for this and wring out every ounce of power i have here, you look like an identity thief).  i hold up my platinum card avec picture without handing it over, next to my face: it's to avoid confusion (you are not touching my card, peasant).  we smirk at each other.  WE HATE EACH OTHER IMMENSELY AND WE ARE ENJOYING THE HELL OUT OF IT.  he hands over the bag.  two pairs of eyes roll in lieu of a goodbye.

as i turn away, i am greeted with a rack of gray & neon blazers.  the gap totally stole my version of by hand london's victoria blazer!  was my new frenemy in on this?  i pause to snap my 100th instagram, feeling my companion's jolly attempt to bore a hole through the back of my skull with his gaze, and saunter slowly out of the store into a january drizzle, my heels clacking out a thanks, playmate.  that was FUN.

30 comments:

  1. Oh my god, they totally stole your idea! Sue the shit out of 'em I say....

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  2. I am so tired of rotten salesclerks. I have actually dropped my items in front of their face and said thanks but since you have such a great attitude I'll pass. Of course with a super sarcastic grin on my face. I had a super fun time with it too. It was great to throw the attitude right back at them instead of taking it.

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    1. ah i love it! all the better voiced with a big grin.

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  3. Major poopsicles, dude. Not cool, Gap, not cool. :(

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  4. The problem with stores like Gap is that they're not paid commission - why do they care if you leave with or without the clothes you want? Good one though - I'm so British I always just apologise and seethe on the inside...

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  5. They totally ripped off your idea!! BUT Yours is SO much better!!

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  6. The dude does not abide!!! I prefer your version. Gap can SUCK IT!

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  7. Dear Oona,
    Don't really know how else to reach you....but thought you'd like to know this. First of all, not sure the winter doldrums hit only in NY...TN has it's share as well...of weather and weirdos! But, more importantly....thought you'd like to know how many times you really do touch people, not just with your style and humor...but with your heart. I began looking at your blog because my sister referred me to it. She is an amazing seamstress...I am not. But, she thought I would enjoy it anyway. And...I have. But, on two occasions you have touched MY heart. If you are interested...you can check the April 22, 2012 and the Dec 18, 2012 posts I made on my blog. Thought it might bring some warmth to that NY weather to know how much you mean....to many. Thanks for sharing...you.

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    1. les, thank you, i wish i had better words to properly respond. you did brighten my day, two times in fact as i found your posts on separate days-- this particular day being 20 degrees and constant snow. sunny in here, though! much love to you :)

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  8. Yours is better! I also saw this fabric on Project Runway Allstars just yesterday, and hadn't seen it before (I must have missed your jacket post!) xoxo

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  9. Oh, you are a formidable opponent - he was lucky to have his eyes not gouged out!!! Loved the story! And the dress!

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  10. Whaaaaaaaa? I agree with Veronica, yours is better. More punches of colour. But still.....dicks.

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  11. Ahhhh, retail shopping, it's always so much fun!

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  12. Hilarious interaction. I know the January feeling up here in Michigan. Your version was much more stylish.

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  13. Hilarious Oona! I love it and how outrageous Gap stealing your jacket design - yours is much better! BTW lots of luck for Project Sewn! You'll do great!

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    1. eeeep thank you....i can't believe it's less than ten days away....

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  14. Love the post! I do quiet the opposite, I make them talk to me, constantly fire questions at them, then pay by EFT-POS and purposely enter the wrong pin number so they have to completely re-do the transaction and then I feel like I have got my monies worth from their customer service, because they sure weren't offering any!

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    1. ooh, i don't know what eft-pos is, but it sounds irritating and difficult. the next time i have more time on my hands, i may try this route.

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  15. T.O. is full of Dicks - and a few Toms and Harrys to boot! *lol* Wondered how you New Yorkers have been dealing with this unusually strange Winter - well, I guess I could say that we've been spoiled in the past, so this "real" Winter is chilling the crappola out of us. Then again, most Torontoians are wrapped up in their own little universes to eve notice the woutside world to care about anything else but themselves most of the time anyway... ;)

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    1. And where the heck did I get a word like "woutside"?? Silly fingers! Must be the cold creeping in again - hello Siberia!! *lmao*

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    2. i remember toronto as being QUITE frigid. i would be a terror in siberian january there.

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  16. I had that happen to me in college once - a lizard design! It's infuriating how people 'in the know' about production can do this kind of thing ... You could always tell them your thoughts and show them the timescale between yours and their design ...

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    1. eh, i'm onto bigger fish. like trying to finish even ONE garment for project sewn!!!! did you win with your lizard?

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  17. Why must you give me more reasons to adore you even more?

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  18. LOL You're hilariously evil - and I completely relate ^__^ Now how can we sabotage that rack of gray blazers..... never mind, they're probably so poorly made, they'll sabotage themselves anyway :D

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i thankya truly for taking the time to comment, i love a good conversation-- and hope you know my thanks are always implied if not always written!