1.12.2012

our lady of the subway car


A man shoved irritatedly past me on the A train today, muttering open the doors stupid and barging through to the middle of the crowded car. (I don't give attitude to people who shove past me while muttering to invisible foes.) He got off at the next stop, still muttering, and got right back on again before the doors closed.

oh no y'all can't be in here you got to go.  y'all move around too much, i can't get no SLEEP.  you don't see me barging into your home and putting my feet up, get your feet down.  you call it homeless what do you call this, this car is my home, i got a ten car condo.  if i want you out all i got to do is take off my shoes, y'all WILL get out. i moved out cause i couldn't stand my wife. said she wanted a steak i said we'll go get a sandwich and a MILK. said she wanted champagne i said get a cold glass of water we'll drop two alka seltzers in it and call it DOM PERIGNON. she said wait till we get home i'll show you something. she took off her jeans and said her stomach hurt. i said WHICH ONE.

The monologue went on for another three stops (this being the express train). Although the comedy stylings were banal, I could appreciate his ability to completely tuck the rage away and launch into a standup routine.  

18 comments:

  1. I love this vignette -- especially paired with the photo. We have public transit here, although I don't take it all that often. Sometimes I feel like I miss a lot living in the suburban-computer-park-downtown bubble. Thanks again for the story!

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  2. awesome. things like this don't happen where I live.

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  3. Aah, you gotta love crazy people on public transportation. I kinda miss them when I'm not in the city.
    Only thing I don't miss about them: their smell.

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  4. Have you heard of 'Overheard in New York' (I think that's the name)? My ol' roomy used to laugh so hard at what people submitted. You could add this one!

    Did you ever run into the stylish homeless lady in Los Feliz out in LA? She had some zingers!

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  5. @ valerie: you're welcome. the subways are easier when you know you can get a blog post out of a ride.

    @ lady danburry: come on down, we'll rustle up a good F train. those arehorrible.

    @ paunnet: you should've seen me meld into the doorway when he breezed past.

    @ amanda: the first quote on that page is a toddler telling his dad "i want the whole fucking beer!" YEEESSSS. i will look for Miss Feliz.

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  6. Heheh, awesome guy- I think he owes a lot to Rodney Dangerfield! There was a guy I used to see on my train who'd play guitar up and down the aisles. He always asked, before beginning, whether anybody minded if he played us all a song. Busking on PT is not allowed, but as he actually didn't have a hat out for collecting money I wonder what anyone could have done. Haven't seen him in years, I take the train at a different time of day, when there's barely room for passengers let alone a baladeur. Thanks for making me remember him!

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    1. how appropo that the first commetn i'm replying to with blogger's fancy new feature is YOU, emilykate!!! you know i've admired your disqus forever.

      this guy expected coinage at the end, tho he made peeps smile. i love your guitar guy. we've got a mariachi band, i should try to get a video.

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    2. hah welcome to disqus! Has blogger integrated it into blogger or did you have to install?

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  7. Haha, that new york self-awareness! Music on the subway is cool and all but comedy even better.

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  8. you're going to miss us when you're gone :-)

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  9. Why are the crazies out right now??!?!? Yesterday at my work there was a steady influx of crazy people topped off by a gentleman named Butch that called to accuse my husband of "being on the other side" and working with the police department in some sort of conspiracy against him. He's so crazy. Apparently, Butch has now hired two PI's and "things don't look good" for us right now. He has also assured me in the past that he "would never shoot Luke" (my husband). Luke told him to never call our work again and he said, "I won't call, but I can't guarantee that someone else at my house won't call." I'm thinking Butch has had one too may of those champagne/alka seltzer drinks your friend on the subway had.

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    1. um, wow. that's some serious stalker shit. maybe he needs MORE of those drinks.

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  10. LMAO!

    We have aromatic homeless people on the train here, too, but they've never done anything so interesting in my presence... (I was annoyed the one time the cop removing him opened the guy's bag of solvents... the whole rest of the ride stank)

    During the jazz festival here, they have whole jazz bands on the train at certain times. Now THAT made for an awesome commute.

    Also: blogger got a threaded reply features? WIN! That was a major factor in me picking wordpress over blogger, back in the day... ;)

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    1. jazz? THAT would be cool. i'd be on the subway for hours.

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  11. Ah... The entertainment of public transportation. ;) I grew up going back and forth on the Metro into DC, and thought I had seen a lot of weird things until I went to NYC for the first time as an adult... Two different worlds. lol.

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    1. but, the DC system is like, gorgeous... i'm surprised you didn't go into shock on our trains!

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  12. This is why I'm sad that RI has no public transport except the buses. However, I ran across this really interesting event this morning and I wondered if you had ever been riding the metro when it happened? I'm totally adding this to my bucket list...gotta sew some cute underwear for it next year and find people to go with me!
    http://improveverywhere.com/2012/01/11/no-pants-subway-ride-2012/

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i thankya truly for taking the time to comment, i love a good conversation-- and hope you know my thanks are always implied, if not always written!